News

The divorce is now legally final. How do I feel about that? I'm okay, and I'm going to be okay. It's not the way I wanted my life or my family's to turn to, but we can't control other's behaviors, or the effects of them. There are just some things that when you do in a relationship... they can't bounce back... and things are never the same. The most precious things become un-precious and it's not special anymore. Especially when you don't work on fixing them. While I wanted to fix things looking through scared and sick-love eyes, thank you for not letting me do that again. Not letting me put myself through that hell you were always so good at putting me through. No one deserves that. Some people don't value relationships the way they were meant to be anymore. Sometimes I hope you get what you deserve. But passed the anger and every one's thoughts and words... I know that you are a good person who just made some very bad choices because of some deep-dark issues. I'm sorry it ruined us, and I'm sure you will be too. I wish you all the very best my love...

Christmas Crumbs

Christmas is a time of friends, family, love, and memories... I'm missing something this year.

On a personal blog note I thought things would be much tougher on my soul and spirit this Christmas. Things are getting easier and it's true... time does heal the heart... I still have a ways to go though, don't get me wrong. This shocked heart and soul was very much in love and committed until the end. But I'm getting over you, it's true. It helps when I think of the way you treated me throughout the years and how beautiful of a person I am... on the inside and out, and what I have to offer... and what I should get in return. Still learning that. Tears... they come when I remember the good times with you that I miss so much. The "crumbs" of us, what's left. The "unsuperficial". I bet you miss that too. You could always make me laugh... and I could always make you smile, and bring out that genuine twinkle in your eye. I loved that look from you. But that twinkle is gone and it's filled with a coldness and darkness, from someone who I don't know anymore. I will hold those warm and special moments in my heart that made me laugh and feel happiness, forever. Those are when the tears come. But the tears are getting few and seldom these days. That knot in my throat is getting smaller and easier to swallow. My body would leave room for you on your side of the bed still every-night, and I would awake with that same spot saved, empty pillow and un-made portion is what I would wake up to. But I find myself waking up in the middle now. I'm getting there... slowly but surely.

I try to make the most out of what I have left, which is quite a bit when I dig. I'm doing a fabulous job. I have Christmas crumbs of us tonight as I set the boys' things from Santa around the tree and fill the stockings... and look at my empty stocking that you would always thoughtfully fill. But I will make it... without you.. just like I've been doing. Great memories of the "new three" will come tomorrow morning and fill my heart with happiness, once again.

Merry Christmas... :)

Stink, yes, he's 7!!

7 years ago... my world was rocked, in the most awesome way. Boy, this mommy loves you so-so much. I have to give you the best B-day I absolutely can. So that's what I did. That's what you deserve.

I had his party at a sports complex with an indoor football field. I was amazed that so many of his friends were able to join us this year. I know it's a hard time of year for everyone, especially to make it at a birthday party, but y'all did!

I have a true son ( 2/2 ), and the most active boy I have seen yet. Seriously. He loved every sweat bead that dropped off his face as he played with his most best friends on his most special day. And mom loved wiping it away and seeing that "I'm having so much fun" smile on that dear face. He had a wonderful football party, to say the very least. Thank you all for coming and making it so special for my pride and joy.

My Family: Brothers, Mom, Sister, Dad, Step-mom

Dad, his sister and new brother-in-law...

Friends...

More Friends...

Happy Birthday Big Boy!! Kisses!! XOXO

Week of Wonderful Winter!

I soooooo love this time of year... my favorite. The smell of bon-fires and fir trees, the sight of Christmas lights and decorations, the friends and family that make the best company, the junk food (mmmm)... who wouldn't love this time of year?! I had one of the best weeks I think this particular week. I had received these wonderful hockey tickets to the Coyotes game a while back and wasn't really prepared for the goodness in store. One of my dear friends, Amy, moved out of state and to cherish one last ounce of her before she left I hauled her with my angels and I to the game. So we get there right... and I am walking down to our seats... and down... and down... and down... to the 6th row, where yes I could see wrinkles and sweat on those dirty hockey players- and in the middle too. What a treat and what fantabulous seats!! I got hot chocolate and popcorn as if it were even needed... the boys sat in awe and loved every minute. I love getting compliments on what good boys they are... they truly are... compliments came... I love those men of mine! Benny buttons has gotten quite the outspoken wild hair in him lately. This really sweet lady sitting next to me hinted that sometimes they give away an NHL puck if you go and ask... which like I said we had great seats and were right there. So Benny's wild hair and him (who couldn't resist his cuteness) gets down there and asks for a puck and his blue eyes bright as the sky shined as he held his very own NHL hockey puck from the game, given to him. Made his night... and mine. :)

So this week continues on, up North in Williams for the Polar Express. If you don't know the story learn it... it's magical! We went with our very dear neighbors who we absolutely love and cherish and have so much fun with. Lots of kids and lots of adults and lots of good times. I will admit... I had some "new single-mom challenges" but nothing I didn't get through... I get through everything. The boys had an exceptional time. We rode on the train while reading the Polar express story and drinking hot cocoa and munching on warm cookies. Santa came and paid a visit on the train ride. We snuggled in the night, Benny and I... that's what he needs right now. We woke up and had the best buffet breakfast I think we have had... and those are hard to get. Then, we found a dear spot on the way home to sleigh our fun "Costco sleighs" sledding down those hills... perfect. Stink was crying when we got in the car. Thinking it was because he was snowy and wet and cold I ask, "What's wrong hun?" In which he replied, "I don't wanna go Mom, this is fun." We all need those times... where we semi-leave our cares and worries behind... and just... laugh. What a wonderful week.......

Sayonara Fall Ball

Oh, it was such a great flag football season! I have to say that all the kids played well, and had great team sportsmanship. My boys did tend to cry once in a while during the games I hate to admit, something we are working on. Stink's excuse: he's just passionate about his game, and when it's not what he wants it to be let the river flow please. Benny: he's just sweet, sensitive Benny. Personality like mom, which can resemble a weeping willow when you feel like you can't do your best. But they did do their very best, every one of em'. The end of season tournament, last game, was a riot. I was on the edge of my seat and up cheering on my boys. Stink will play and give it his all, and he did alright, right to a bloody nose. At the end of the game the ref said to Stink as we are walking, "Boy, you got some moves!" Any drop of game guilt was washed clean in that moment of time and replaced with a confident grin as he smiles at mama. Can't wait for Winter season! Benny will continue on in flag... Stink is ready for tackle, oh so ready! :)

School Day Feast

A job that I took on this year is being "room parent" for S. Stink's classroom. It can be a big job sometimes, but it's most definitely one I love doing. I enjoy visiting the classroom and hearing what comes out of those sweet kids' mouths, but mostly learning about what my son is learning about. Visiting his world sometimes. That's important to me. So the teacher and I put together a "Thanksgiving Tradition Feast". We made pilgrim hats for girls and boys with the kids. Then we had warm apple cider with cinnamon sticks, pumpkin pie, candy corn, cranberry sauce all while the teacher read us a story of Thanksgiving. A joy!

Thankful on Thanksgiving

You bet I'm thankful... for many things. I'm a little late posting, but excuse me I was batteling some streptococcus festering in my throat on Turkey Day. Doing well now, and it was a great holiday. I woke up with my boys and snuggled them tight in my nest, the best. In this house we love breakfast more than any other meal. So we had our Thanksgiving breakfast. I made an egg-sausage-hash brown-cheese casserole with bacon and mini buttermilk pancakes on the side. Yes, it was way too much food, but yes, it was way too much good. I'm still figuring out how to cook for the three of us, but I don't mind... just more left-overs. So while the breakfast smells filled our cozy house we put up our Christmas tree. The boys decorated it- that came with clustered ornament patches on the tree and 13 broken ornaments in the mix. All made with love. So here is my column of "thankfuls" this year:

-my faith
-my handsome, healthy boys
-my health
-my family
-my friends
-my neighbors
-my job
-my home
-the tears
-the laughs
-the lessons
-my dignity
-the living opportunity this year to teach self respect and how to treat a woman and mother to my children
-gaining my self worth
-my values
-my character
-my sillies
-my kind heart
-my serving hands
-me
-the prayers
-the support
-you

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Dear Steve,

Today I thought we would be celebrating things a little differently. I have so much to say to you, there is so much I feel… so much I have learned… and still learning. I am getting emotionally connected again with myself, something I have neglected. Is this a hard day for me? Absolutely… hell, it’s a hard night. I remember getting ready for the rest of my life with you at this moment 5 years ago. I see things so much clearer without you. You were fogging my vision, my life, because you don’t realize what muck you’re in until you’re out… or in your case what you have until it’s gone. I want to tell you what I’ve learned these past couple of months without you. I’m a codependent, a fixer since childhood, the nurse in me. I tried to control certain things in our marriage that a woman should never have to worry about. It was unhealthy, I became unhealthy… your unhealthy. Not to say we didn't have a good marriage, we did, along with your problems. Somewhere inside me there is a touch of respect for you if I look hard enough. That respect comes from what you told me on D-Day… that you didn’t have it in you to change that unhealthy part of you. What do you say to someone that is telling you they are going to hurt you again? “Goodbye”, as hard and bittersweet as it was, for the both of us. It was a seldom flash of honesty from you. Thank You. I believe I was the glue in this home, and fought tooth and nail until the very end to have that happy family I have always envisioned, losing myself, and even then willing to stand by your side. That was until realizing the pattern you were unwilling to break. I was totally consumed by your behaviors and addictions, I let it affect me… that wasn’t your fault. I took that dare to have hope, only to have that hope crushed and my dreams smashed with you. God knows we shared so much, we shared great things and the two best things that could ever happen to us... thank you. You and I will never forget. You threw those things away so quick, so stupid. I will get those things I need someday, because I deserve it. I invested so much in you that I lost part of me. I grew resentful over time as we both know, thankfully it sparked me to detach. I do know that when I began to put my individual self all back together, Steve fell apart. It was hard to watch, because you’re right when you said you don’t know who you are. You thought you were detaching you were so confused. I wished you could have helped yourself before it came to this. Sometimes I look at you and what you have done and it makes me sincerely sad. You have turned in so many different directions for fulfillment; you’re like a lost soul. You had your multiple chances, in fact the most opportune time in our lives for you to work on yourself was here, and you did the opposite. I’m sorry these issues are scary for you to face. I wished I could have helped you, but Lord knows I tried and the only person who can help you… is you. I hope that someday you choose to help yourself; it will be a lot of work though. You know that because you think in a way the choice you made is going to be easier and more fun… sure it will, for a bit. You lost a gem, and your diamond family, something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. I won’t beat this into you, no reason because you know it well. I love you, I always will… as the father of my children. That’s all you are to me now. I am okay without you… You stressed me out, immensely. I feel genuine peace in my life even through some of this hurt... but I’m free from you. So here is to friends- I will be a shoulder and ear for you whenever you need it. You know I will. I am grateful to be at a place where I can feel some compassion for you now.

Those butterflies will fly for me one day, just not with you… Happy 5th Wedding Anniversary.

Love Always,
Jennifer

Halloween 2009

It was a wonderful Halloween this year!! I was able to spend some time with really great friends at an adult costume party this year the day before Halloween.
Good news. My grandparents are here! They came over during the day on Halloween to catch up some and have lunch. My grandpa, aka "great grandpa" decided to warm up the trick or treat vocals. So he called the boys down and had them do a trick or treat rehearsal and they each got $20... they were stoked. So this AM Benny comes running to me, "Mom, Mom!!! Brother traded me his eight dollars for my one dollar and now I have eight and he has two!!" He says this with the biggest, rich smile not knowing that he has now eight dollars and brother has forty. Sneaky. So we learned about conniving and the true value of these dollars.

The boys decided to be vampires. They got to dress up a couple times this year in their vampire costumes- once at a kids Halloween Party, second at Disneyland for Mickey's Trick or Treat Party, and third the grand Halloween night. I think they were costumed out by Halloween to be honest, I mean come on, they are boys after all. They were more concerned about candy and playing with their friends. They didn't even let me paint their faces or spray the black in their hair. I was bummed, but that's what they wanted. They still had remnants of the eye black on from their football game earlier and Benny had a red power-ade stained mouth. At least they wore the vampire teeth... funny story. These teeth make me laugh, hard. They are flexible adult vampire teeth. In Stink's narrow mouth the fangs are really spread out so when he talks to me you can't see them but you can see the oversized teeth and gums so he looks like he's wearing loose dentures. Thanks for the laughs sweet boy. Ok, so, with that they rushed their costumes on and flew out the door with flip flops. That's where I screeched a halt and made them wear tennies, I had explained that vampires don't wear sandals. So off we went with neighbors and friends all around trick or treating in the neighborhood. Then home, where we snuggled and watched a scary movie together and fell asleep... it was great.

Fall is in the air...

... love it! It was actually cold out tonight and we had to wear jackets, amazing! Things are good, life is good, and I am happy. I have the best two gifts a girl could ask for. I took them to Schnepf's Farm for this Halloween season, it's a part of our tradition. We crave it about this time of year. Schnepf's Farm is a local farm that puts on a Fall Festival filled with rides, great food, and fun times. The boys got their faces painted when we arrived and of all the things to do they wanted to go crazy running, jumping and sliding down a big stack of hay bails.
So I let them. Next up: the train ride. Our all time favorite is the train ride around the Farm, but during this particular event after 6:30 it turns into a "spooky" train ride... the boys have always made a mental souvenir of this each time we go. So Benny all tough says, "This isn't scary Mom, it's cool." Then turns around and makes sure he sets up his reservations early to sit in the middle of us. :) The coaster is fun and the underground slide is more good times. I attempted to pile us into this four-seater car/tractor thingy on wheels that you pedal through the rough dirt and race other families. You see though, two people are supposed to pedal. I thought heck, I could do this with my new gym thighs... not. The pedals budged around maybe a couple times and Stink looks back... "mom, you need help, let me help you". I insisted that I had this and I could do it. So I push it a little to get a head start and try it that way. Nope, that didn't work either and now my thighs and butt are on fire. "Mom, let me just help you." Not taking no for an answer Stink came and helped me pedal and we did it! What a good boy, bless his heart. We didn't get very far but we did it.
So after this us Arizonian's were fareeeezing and we thawed by the bon-fire and roasted marshmallows together.
I would have to say that Schnepf's had the Charlie Brown Pumpkin Patch this year, it sucked. But we did manage to pick out two small ones just the right size for my loves. It was a swell night. See you next year Schnepf's... thanks for the wondrous memories, as always!

Sundays

Sunday is the best day of the week... I get re-focused on what's important in life. I haven't been myself though. I haven't prayed the same, read the same or stood in church the same since all this. So there I sat alone in church and I cried this morning, just sat there and let my eyes well up. I have been angry with God subconsciously and faced it this morning. I know I'm being put through all this for a reason and something beautiful will bloom for me and my family, I know this well... but at times I can't help wondering why a man like this was put in my life, someone that would do this to his family and mostly put innocent kids through this who don't deserve an ounce of it. Someone who would smirk at me then skip out of town with "her" and expect me to make everything OK in the meanwhile, just like always, huh. The someone who takes advantage of a serving heart. The someone who rips a family apart, emotionless. The someone who faked it, who played it. Why didn't You show me this ugly heart 3 years ago instead of thinking it was changed, why now? I will not play the victim, but I am healing and these are my thoughts. My vision is re-focusing and I have genuine peace in my life during this heart healing process. I will do it with more love in my soul for you Lord because I know you will always take care of us... I'm sorry, so sorry for my anger... and I won't lose this relationship. I have faith you will take this hurt away from us, someday. The bad things happen to the stongest people, and I have been strong all my life. So let Your strength carry me through this, which is the only way I can pull through this the way it's supposed to be.

"Only love can leave such a mark, only love can heal such a scar."

Disneyland

I feel... accomplished and strong... and relaxed. I decided to take a vacation with the boys over their Fall Break from school and took two weeks off of work. After all it is our favorite break. We can go outside without the scorch of the sun, roll the windows down in the car as well as open them all up in the house. With the light of a pumpkin candle on the kitchen counter and some Halloween decorations up it's bliss. We planned on taking the boys to Disneyland this time of year but things happened. I did not let that stop me, no no. We did it, with style of course- me, the boys, and the best sister in the world. My mom and brothers even met us up there. First we all started the break with Swine Flu, it was not lovely. My sister was in on the fun as well. So the swine crew with their tamiflu packed up and loaded in the swine-mobile and off to California we went for 5 days. It was so much fun, and by far the best trip I have had with the boys. We have never been to Disneyland, all our first time. This is where my accomplished feelings come in. I got us there and back in the car... amazing with my sense of direction.

I accrued Disney Dream Points throughout this last year so I got some sweet perks for all of us. We got to do a Character Dinner and Breakfast, sneak private peak at Toon Town where we met Mickey and even toured his house. We were at the Disneyland Park and California Adventures all 5 days. The first day we went to an event called "Mickey's Trick or Treat Party". It's a Disneyland costume party. The boys dressed in their vampire costumes and went trick or treating around the park, rode rides and had fun till' 11pm... yes tired vamps they were at the end of the night. The very first ride we went on was called "The Tower of Terror". I wasn't really expecting anything but a tour of a scary hotel and mild elevator ride. We were all surprised when the elevator dropped extremely swiftly (like your heart dropped to your toes swiftly) which was the ride. Poor Benny. I thought there were going to be tears after that. I think the ghostly figures freaked him out more than anything though. We got to do all the rides at least once, Space Mountain and Tower of Terror were our most visited rides by far... loved em.

Here comes the strong, and I am going to add proud of myself. Proud that I am still strong enough to be the mother that I want to be... even now... and it will go on.

The Season of Football

It's here. This is what Stink eats-sleeps-breaths... as a matter of fact. I had to lay down the law today, difficult as it was. He's passionate about football, really is. Loves it so much he throws the ball around in the house every single chance he gets... and yes, pushes Mom to the limit quite frequently. Today, his sweet baby picture hanging on the wall got broken by an in-house-pass. So me.... took a deep breath and explained why all the balls are now outside. Hard to do and thank God the weather is getting nicer so we can be outside. He understood, good boy. Pure boy that kid is, and by the way he told me today that he's an athlete, like I didn't know. :)

Your right Stink. You have a gift. This is your thing, your niche. So far, all games have been won... they have a great football team this season. Benny is loving it too, though I can tell this isn't his thing... and that's quite okay. Explore and learn baby boy. We are having fun with it, lots! Since they are the Packers and Halloween is around the corner I bought green spray for their hair to go with their game attire, but they have been too shy to go that bold. Some more game spirit we have is wearing eye black of course and getting pumped up listening to Green Days "Know Your Enemy" before every game, blasting it in the car. What fun. I love you boys...

(Love this picture... one of his many touch downs... good luck to any kid trying to catch him!)

Time

The stages of grief, I'm totally going through them. Down to 120 pounds with that hollowed out, gut feeling. That's emotional distress and taking it out at the gym for ya. Acceptance, it's where I'm at. I was in love with a facade. I was shocked, angry, felt guilty, wanted to fix it, now I've accepted it. Time for healing. Who knows for how long... but I will get through it, and be more beautiful than I have ever been before. It's been hard, hardest thing of my life. I have good days where I feel free, then there are bad ones where I cry hard in length and want to curl up in a ball. The learning process has already started. 26 years old I am... Got married, two terrific children, homes, careers, the so much in between, now divorce... that's a lot. Time for a few cleansing breaths. I have to be cautious, it's tempting and easier than I thought to fill your void, only human nature, but I won't. I will do it right. For myself, for my children. I am strong. You won't break me, you never have or will. I am sorry for your loss, truly am... but thank you for setting me free.

Some people may wonder why I am so open, so telling of my feelings and putting it all out there. This is me, this is my life. Please learn from it, and let me be a light.

The Lord has miraculous things ahead for me and I'm smiling just thinking about them. You will get me through this. I pray for Your joy to fill my heart, I need it. I am so excited for what's to come...

Ode to a Broken Pattern

It was a "Pattern Museum" for all the kinders at school, including my Benny. Each child got to pick their favorite pattern and repeat it 4 times showing it off in poster. He got to display his work along with the other kids to make a museum of patterns. It was fun and we used buttons, poms, and pipe cleaners with literally globs of glue how Benny does it. It looked great.


Stink has now become a photographer, first shot above. He asked me last week if he can be "Steve" now. I told him, "I won't let you be your father, but I will certainly let you be man of the house right now." You got it. My children are resilient.

I learned a little something from this Kindergarten project: paper is one of the seldom places patterns are healthy... what's your favorite pattern?

D Day

Decision Day... the hardest, most lowest day of my life... today. I asked for this day, for this discussion this morning because I needed it. Where were we going? I put myself out there a week ago, out there for rejection. I was willing to forgive you and forget it. That's the way I saw our marriage and always have: you do whatever it takes to make it work, because you made that commitment for a reason... because I love you for you... because it's so much more... because I would have done anything for you, and did. That's the way a marriage should be, it's sad how it isn't with a lot of people anymore. Now you left us as a statistic and ran away.

Your reasons are as weak as your character. You say you can't give it 100%, you say you never did, and you say I deserve better. You say your tired of hurting me, you don't want to do it anymore. You say I'm a good person and I deserve something better than the life you can give me. Thank you for being honest, but no thanks. We deserved you... a husband and father who could open his eyes and realize what he's got in front of him, take it, and value it. Couldn't do it. What a disappointment to say the very least.

Infidelity. Not the first time in our marriage, most likely not the second. I was naive, accustomed to the worthlessness you blindly put me through. What a sick box you kept me in. I know I've got a lot of work to do on myself, but I didn't do this. Your right, all of it is your fault. I just loved you, maybe too much if there is such a thing.

Ahh, rejection. Rejection is okay, because I can rest knowing that I did everything I could and more. You can't. You say you have to "find yourself" because you don't know who you are. I wish you would wake up. What a devastating mistake. What an empty road your choosing. But that's your choice. You will realize how big of a mistake this is one day, when the hangover won't go away. Probably too late then.

I will always, always love you, and truly wish you the best. Thank you for giving me some of the best memories of my life, really. Thank you for the happy times, and even the sad ones. Thank you for what you invested, even if it wasn't your all- because it made me happy. It seemed real to me. Thank you for coming over today and crying harder than we've ever before together, drenching each other's shoulders, allowing me to hold you, kiss you, and smell you one last time. I will never forget you. I do forgive you. These were our famous last words. Goodbye...

Defensive Player of Season, Round II

I'm so proud of you, you know you had it. Never lose that confidence.

Mom, the Tooth-Fairy is cheap...

So Stink lost his tooth "naturally" for the first time!! It was time for this one, without a doubt, no football or abscess pre-maturing this loss. I picked my boys up after school and as we are walking to the car Stink says, "Mom, you know if your tooth is really shiny and white the tooth-fairy gives you more money... one of my friends got $100 for one tooth!" Trying to not show my astonished look because I already had a dollar and some change set aside for his pillow pocket I say, "Well, are you sure it wasn't $1?" "No mom", he says quickly. So coming up with a last minute story of- Well, I guess it depends on how many children lose their teeth that day... the tooth fairy has a budget you know. As he put his tooth in his tooth-fairy pillow pocket before bed he reminded me of how shiny and white it was. Yes, we all know Stinks teeth are little rows of small pearls... dangit.

I had to teach him though, mean as it may sound... mom's teach lessons, not hand out large bills. He awoke the next morning and didn't say much. In my probably annoying excited voice I go, "What did the tooth fairy bring you?!!!" "She only gave me a one dollar mom." "I bet she gave you change too, because maybe she didn't have enough money but she knew how good you cared for your teeth." Yeah, lesson semi-learned and a buck richer little man. I love you.

Loss

Am I married to Judas or Peter?

Church this Sunday was, well... simply amazing. I was planning on going to church with my mother, but things don't always go as planned, and they do this for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Stink begs to go to our church on Sunday, and I did something hard. Put aside my feelings and listened to him. He works through our children. He does.

The topic was "Famous Lost Words: Loyalty"
Loyalty to your job, loyalty to your family, loyalty to God, loyalty to your spouse. What is loyalty? Loyalty is simply faithfulness... no matter what. No matter what comes, it doesn't really matter as much as your word, your sworn vow. Set-backs, frustrations, failures... are no excuse because it was that deep. And it was. It was meant to be. What are your true colors, and where do you cross the line? Loyalty requires something bigger, someone greater than yourself... and even difficult times to settle it. Self centeredness: the core of destroyed loyalty.

Lives change in an instant... everyday. Mine did. We were as one and it's stolen. It's like someone died. It's a lonely feeling. You were it for me, and I know that I was it for you. It's irreplaceable. I miss you. What do I miss though? It may be lost, just as lost as you are right now, so lost. You took it all with you, wherever you are. That's something I cannot control, but He does. Is it there though? I know it is, and it will never go away. Were these our famous lost words, or famous last words?

Anger

How dare you... shame on you. Ripped apart our family with selfish behaviors. I hope your happy, but I know your empty, completely empty. Though I'm angry I feel sad for you, pure pity... and it's because I love you. I don't know you, your eyes are different when I saw them today. Superficial fulfillment's won't last, it never will... regrets will come. I didn't deserve this, my kids didn't deserve this. The silver lining- I've learned a lot from this relationship, I am stronger than ever... and we will make it. I gave you 110%, and what a slap in the face, you gave that intimate love we shared to another. Your right, your words from your very own mouth, "you don't deserve me."

Diamonds Are Made Under Pressure

My faith, my children and my dignity is what I have... and I am clenching on to them. You do your best, that's all you can do. Never will you be able to control someone, never can you make someone love you and sincerely want you. The truth always comes out in the end, always. Actions speak mountains larger than words. It hurts. It's uncomfortable. It's damned hard... but we will persevere no matter what, because you know what, we always do.

“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure”.

The Nest Will Go On

It was back to school Monday, Steve and I looked forward to this day since a couple weeks ago. It's a love/hate relationship towards the end of the summer between Benny and Stink... and I'm sure I will see one of these boys draw blood during a future episode of "summer duke it outs" here within the next couple of years.

Monday was an exciting day... Benny's first day of school! He has been watching brother and looking forward to this day of his own for a long time.

Sergeant Stink started first grade... getting big. He had two teeth pulled and since then I look at his face and he seems too grown up for me just yet.

I am so happy for my children and feel very accomplished as a parent seeing my boys so independent, having there own thing now and doing well so far. As happy as I am, it's been a rough week for me. I swallow hard when I think of my empty nest at age 26. I swallowed even harder Monday morning seeing my Benny sit at his desk so happy and ready to start his own journey. I said goodbye to him and I felt empty walking through that school hall back to my car without kids. Then I got home and there was silence... I could hear the fan and Pursie's paw steps on the tile. It was even emptier. I don't like this, at all I say to Steve... and he holds me and I cry some more. This is hard. They've been my little day buddies for the last 6 1/2 years.

Then I go to Kona Grill with my sweety and of course that feels a ton better. Time to focus on us, on me for those 7 hours. Then I can have my 2 sparks of life back to kiss and squeeze. I love them. The hardest of all adjustments, but I am... so, so happy for them. It was a good day.

Benny Turns 5

Oh, the big "5" and starting K in less than a week... growing up! Still sweet as ever though, and I'm continuing to cherish every step along his way. This year we had a pool party to celebrate the birthday. We had it at a nearby public pool that had water slides, a lazy river, play pool and diving boards. The fun diving boards.... Benny did his flip off one of those thingies and landed on his back, when he got out of the water I could clearly see the tears. His back, bright red. He goes in a tough 5-yr-old man voice, "I'm not going on those again!" Yeah, take that you diving boards, you. We had pizza, cake and Italian ice. After lunch we heard over the intercom, "Everyone please exit the play-pool, we will resume swimming in this area in 30 minutes." Then out comes the nice lady with a bucket of pool-shock and someone with a turd-net.... then the friendly reminder to take your kids to the bathroom frequently while at the pool was announced loudly amongst us. Gross.

Benny still enjoyed his day with wonderful friends and was very thankful for all of the nice gifts. His favorite was the skateboard he got from Mom & Dad.

We missed some very important friends at the party, so we had our own post-party today at Peter Piper, it was fun!! We actually got to celebrate Benny's B-day 3 times. One with family on the actual day, one at the pool with almost everyone, then our good friends that we missed at the big party. So today Benny thought he turned 6 for a brief moment til' Mom broke out the reality.

Happy Birthday Benny, we love you!!