Dad, I Love You

Just like today's intermittent rain and beautiful aromas filling up my soul, I always feel your presence around me when you visit. I knew at a point some of life's pleasures that you indulged in would require medicinal attention. I didn't think it would be this soon. She called me right away. When I got the call from your beloved I could hear the terror in her voice telling me it's your dad, something really bad has happened. I dropped everything that I was doing and my un-makeuped face and children who were ready for bed were loaded in the car and on our way, as she explained the events about your heart. You were on your way to the cath-lab... I thought maybe you could make it. I called Grandma and Grandpa and told them to come. I will never forget when I realized you weren't coming back.

A familiar cardiologist said your procedure went well, you had a major blockage in a left coronary artery of yours. When he said you didn't wake up after the procedure and questioned how long you were unconscious I knew it. It was too long Dad. The tears just rolled down my cheeks... I wanted to see you, I couldn't wait to see you. I see patients in hospital beds all of the time, but I didn't know how difficult it would be to see you the way that you were. I saw your intraosseous line and all of the vasopressors you were on just to keep you going. As a nurse I couldn't help but imagine the struggles through the events to get you here, and as a daughter it saddened my heart that you went through it. I rubbed your face and kissed your cheek as your body was cold and covered in a cooling blanket. I was so afraid to look at your eyes. I knew that would make or break any flash of hope I had of you pulling through this. When I saw them as I lifted your lids up Dad you weren't there anymore. The nurses knew it, my family didn't and I couldn't tell them that yet, only when we were all ready. I sobbed the whole way home, the kind where you have to take deep breaths to catch your air. I held your grand boys so tightly that night. 

You went the way that you always wanted to, thank you for leaving your body for the closure for family the way that you did. Your hands and feet looked the same to me in that bed you were in, like I've always remembered them. I fell asleep with you, holding your familiar hand as I was so tired one day. Read scriptures to you and sang wonderful songs around you until your last heart beat. Such beautiful ending moments. So many people love you... your service was everything you would have wanted it to be. You were such an alpha male with meticulous attention payed to everything you did. Loved movies. Loved new adventures. Stubborn. Didn't like taking pictures. Very blunt and always had a filthy mouth. I just read some letters from you with your perfect handwriting and realized you and Grandma liked to write. She even does the dot dot dots that I do... You were a giver, even gave your kidneys for other's life at the end of your own. By the way, Grandma and Grandpa are even making a scholarship in your honor. 

A picture of you and two beautiful bouquets of flowers from my surgeon and co-workers were the first things in my new house. The person that had this gorgeous home before had to give it up because of a heart attack. You would shine at the sight of this place. Our new home is drizzled in red accents, a favorite color both you and I share. I'm going to sew coordinating accent curtains this summer with a little something in your remembrance. I can tell when you are here... like when I was in the pool and thinking about you. I told you that I miss you,  that I love you so much and a big gust of wind out of nowhere came and winded my face like a kiss. You were always so proud of me and told everyone about me... painted my nails so pretty and did my hair as a child. I have always felt so prized by you. You still make me feel this way and I am blessed to know your spiritual presence if I can't have you physically here. I need you here this way in my life now and you know this. I understand it was your time.

Even though they are hard, I love your visits. I have good days and bad days but I think about you every day. Dad... I love you.

Single Mama Marathon

Well... I am officially done with BSN classes. It may not seem like much to some, but to me it was a goal that I was determined to finish no matter the circumstance. The opportunity couldn't have come at a more busy time of my life. However, when you put your mind to something you should just do it. Life's plate was quite full... too full for a BSN biscuit. I mapped my weeks, days, hours and minutes just to finish papers and homework. I would scope out child entertainment with wifi access in desperation modes.  Gave up precious hours of sleep. Cancelled appointments, completed DQs while I ate lunch at work and denied social events or fitness classes to progress through pages of research papers. I knew it was a temporary "have to" and sometimes you just have to sacrifice. 

You can only run at this pace temporarily... this was my single mother marathon. Hands down, busiest time of my life. I had to be mentally and physically focused to reach it to the end. Pacing myself carefully in this delicate balance of single mothering. Taking small intercessions and leaves of absences for necessary family demands. The world and responsibilities didn't stop around me, so grand prioritization took place to get here. My house was a bit messier, I didn't cook as much, wasn't as toned and wasn't able to spend all the time I wanted to with people. But I am here and advanced just a bit more in a profession that I dearly love... which is important to me and the patients that I serve. Now it is time to have blank page days where there is nothing on my schedule (like today). Cook creations in my beautiful new kitchen. Train for more triathlons. Date. Enjoy the small things in life that truly matter the most, reflecting upon them and writing about them in a dear place that I have missed. Until another professional thirst gets quenched, I am so happy to be back...