The Season of Football

It's here. This is what Stink eats-sleeps-breaths... as a matter of fact. I had to lay down the law today, difficult as it was. He's passionate about football, really is. Loves it so much he throws the ball around in the house every single chance he gets... and yes, pushes Mom to the limit quite frequently. Today, his sweet baby picture hanging on the wall got broken by an in-house-pass. So me.... took a deep breath and explained why all the balls are now outside. Hard to do and thank God the weather is getting nicer so we can be outside. He understood, good boy. Pure boy that kid is, and by the way he told me today that he's an athlete, like I didn't know. :)

Your right Stink. You have a gift. This is your thing, your niche. So far, all games have been won... they have a great football team this season. Benny is loving it too, though I can tell this isn't his thing... and that's quite okay. Explore and learn baby boy. We are having fun with it, lots! Since they are the Packers and Halloween is around the corner I bought green spray for their hair to go with their game attire, but they have been too shy to go that bold. Some more game spirit we have is wearing eye black of course and getting pumped up listening to Green Days "Know Your Enemy" before every game, blasting it in the car. What fun. I love you boys...

(Love this picture... one of his many touch downs... good luck to any kid trying to catch him!)

Time

The stages of grief, I'm totally going through them. Down to 120 pounds with that hollowed out, gut feeling. That's emotional distress and taking it out at the gym for ya. Acceptance, it's where I'm at. I was in love with a facade. I was shocked, angry, felt guilty, wanted to fix it, now I've accepted it. Time for healing. Who knows for how long... but I will get through it, and be more beautiful than I have ever been before. It's been hard, hardest thing of my life. I have good days where I feel free, then there are bad ones where I cry hard in length and want to curl up in a ball. The learning process has already started. 26 years old I am... Got married, two terrific children, homes, careers, the so much in between, now divorce... that's a lot. Time for a few cleansing breaths. I have to be cautious, it's tempting and easier than I thought to fill your void, only human nature, but I won't. I will do it right. For myself, for my children. I am strong. You won't break me, you never have or will. I am sorry for your loss, truly am... but thank you for setting me free.

Some people may wonder why I am so open, so telling of my feelings and putting it all out there. This is me, this is my life. Please learn from it, and let me be a light.

The Lord has miraculous things ahead for me and I'm smiling just thinking about them. You will get me through this. I pray for Your joy to fill my heart, I need it. I am so excited for what's to come...

Ode to a Broken Pattern

It was a "Pattern Museum" for all the kinders at school, including my Benny. Each child got to pick their favorite pattern and repeat it 4 times showing it off in poster. He got to display his work along with the other kids to make a museum of patterns. It was fun and we used buttons, poms, and pipe cleaners with literally globs of glue how Benny does it. It looked great.


Stink has now become a photographer, first shot above. He asked me last week if he can be "Steve" now. I told him, "I won't let you be your father, but I will certainly let you be man of the house right now." You got it. My children are resilient.

I learned a little something from this Kindergarten project: paper is one of the seldom places patterns are healthy... what's your favorite pattern?

D Day

Decision Day... the hardest, most lowest day of my life... today. I asked for this day, for this discussion this morning because I needed it. Where were we going? I put myself out there a week ago, out there for rejection. I was willing to forgive you and forget it. That's the way I saw our marriage and always have: you do whatever it takes to make it work, because you made that commitment for a reason... because I love you for you... because it's so much more... because I would have done anything for you, and did. That's the way a marriage should be, it's sad how it isn't with a lot of people anymore. Now you left us as a statistic and ran away.

Your reasons are as weak as your character. You say you can't give it 100%, you say you never did, and you say I deserve better. You say your tired of hurting me, you don't want to do it anymore. You say I'm a good person and I deserve something better than the life you can give me. Thank you for being honest, but no thanks. We deserved you... a husband and father who could open his eyes and realize what he's got in front of him, take it, and value it. Couldn't do it. What a disappointment to say the very least.

Infidelity. Not the first time in our marriage, most likely not the second. I was naive, accustomed to the worthlessness you blindly put me through. What a sick box you kept me in. I know I've got a lot of work to do on myself, but I didn't do this. Your right, all of it is your fault. I just loved you, maybe too much if there is such a thing.

Ahh, rejection. Rejection is okay, because I can rest knowing that I did everything I could and more. You can't. You say you have to "find yourself" because you don't know who you are. I wish you would wake up. What a devastating mistake. What an empty road your choosing. But that's your choice. You will realize how big of a mistake this is one day, when the hangover won't go away. Probably too late then.

I will always, always love you, and truly wish you the best. Thank you for giving me some of the best memories of my life, really. Thank you for the happy times, and even the sad ones. Thank you for what you invested, even if it wasn't your all- because it made me happy. It seemed real to me. Thank you for coming over today and crying harder than we've ever before together, drenching each other's shoulders, allowing me to hold you, kiss you, and smell you one last time. I will never forget you. I do forgive you. These were our famous last words. Goodbye...