Dear Steve,

Today I thought we would be celebrating things a little differently. I have so much to say to you, there is so much I feel… so much I have learned… and still learning. I am getting emotionally connected again with myself, something I have neglected. Is this a hard day for me? Absolutely… hell, it’s a hard night. I remember getting ready for the rest of my life with you at this moment 5 years ago. I see things so much clearer without you. You were fogging my vision, my life, because you don’t realize what muck you’re in until you’re out… or in your case what you have until it’s gone. I want to tell you what I’ve learned these past couple of months without you. I’m a codependent, a fixer since childhood, the nurse in me. I tried to control certain things in our marriage that a woman should never have to worry about. It was unhealthy, I became unhealthy… your unhealthy. Not to say we didn't have a good marriage, we did, along with your problems. Somewhere inside me there is a touch of respect for you if I look hard enough. That respect comes from what you told me on D-Day… that you didn’t have it in you to change that unhealthy part of you. What do you say to someone that is telling you they are going to hurt you again? “Goodbye”, as hard and bittersweet as it was, for the both of us. It was a seldom flash of honesty from you. Thank You. I believe I was the glue in this home, and fought tooth and nail until the very end to have that happy family I have always envisioned, losing myself, and even then willing to stand by your side. That was until realizing the pattern you were unwilling to break. I was totally consumed by your behaviors and addictions, I let it affect me… that wasn’t your fault. I took that dare to have hope, only to have that hope crushed and my dreams smashed with you. God knows we shared so much, we shared great things and the two best things that could ever happen to us... thank you. You and I will never forget. You threw those things away so quick, so stupid. I will get those things I need someday, because I deserve it. I invested so much in you that I lost part of me. I grew resentful over time as we both know, thankfully it sparked me to detach. I do know that when I began to put my individual self all back together, Steve fell apart. It was hard to watch, because you’re right when you said you don’t know who you are. You thought you were detaching you were so confused. I wished you could have helped yourself before it came to this. Sometimes I look at you and what you have done and it makes me sincerely sad. You have turned in so many different directions for fulfillment; you’re like a lost soul. You had your multiple chances, in fact the most opportune time in our lives for you to work on yourself was here, and you did the opposite. I’m sorry these issues are scary for you to face. I wished I could have helped you, but Lord knows I tried and the only person who can help you… is you. I hope that someday you choose to help yourself; it will be a lot of work though. You know that because you think in a way the choice you made is going to be easier and more fun… sure it will, for a bit. You lost a gem, and your diamond family, something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. I won’t beat this into you, no reason because you know it well. I love you, I always will… as the father of my children. That’s all you are to me now. I am okay without you… You stressed me out, immensely. I feel genuine peace in my life even through some of this hurt... but I’m free from you. So here is to friends- I will be a shoulder and ear for you whenever you need it. You know I will. I am grateful to be at a place where I can feel some compassion for you now.

Those butterflies will fly for me one day, just not with you… Happy 5th Wedding Anniversary.

Love Always,
Jennifer