Someday: Codeword for "Never"

James 4:13


It was the Sunday message that struck a cord... yes, one of those. Makes you listen to every word, maybe even sweat a bit. We all have things that are in our thoughts and words that we say we will get to eventually at some point in our lives... 'someday'. I'm a do-er by nature so when I sat in church that morning thinking I'm just taking home a great lesson, the interrogation light turns on and boils me from the inside to out. It started with the realization that our life is like a puff of smoke. It's here... briefly though then gone. I only hope my vapor is as valuable as it's supposed to be.

Someday is a tune that started to be sung since my divorce. That tune of someday I will be a great partner, a fabulous wife again. Truth is I don't let myself get there... I sometimes avoid men, some like a plague and some of them just really annoy me. Sometimes I'd wish it was proper to wear a sign that said "Leave me alone, I'm healing amongst many other things." Then on the back of that sign maybe, "Seriously, go away for now." Or maybe a deterrent of some sort would have been friendlier. Our 'somedays' can cost us, maybe more than we thought to pay... it can also cost others. Just when I started to feel a shimmer of guilt I stopped. I needed this time, deserved this time. There wasn't anyone who I would allow to take this from me. Like I had wrote before in words typed from my very hands... "It takes time, serious time." I needed these moments to heal and focus on my healing children... capture our worth as a trio and imprinting that to make sure we don't accept what we once did. Times are now different for us and there are always things that will need my focus or added attention, but it's time to be open to some things.

I've come a long little way if I reflect. I'm still saucy, a little more confident and always stay humble. I'm pretty self sufficient minus putting in the new air filters backwards and some other things I won't mention. I'm also comfortable with it being my children and I and comfortable with just I at times. I had some fun and freedom. It's peaceful now, tempting to linger too much in. My Mr. Big was in town recently. My eyes saw him differently and the touch was not the same.

It was January 29th, I won't forget the date I realized it sort of unexpectedly. I prayed long, long ago for the Lord to let me know if this time would come. He answered me that 1/29 morning, I knew it. The person I went with whispered a special question. Even the following week I was working very busy of course and in mid-charting when someone came up to me and said, "Did you make your someday today? I saw you at church and just wanted to ask." I smiled at this one. We are never stamped ready, as we thankfully continue to learn and be taught... but if we were I would be, here and now. I may not have the 'someday' today, tomorrow or ever... but at least I recognize where I'm at. Sincerely... My Healed Heart

Happy Valentines Day!




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