Sayonara Fall Ball

Oh, it was such a great flag football season! I have to say that all the kids played well, and had great team sportsmanship. My boys did tend to cry once in a while during the games I hate to admit, something we are working on. Stink's excuse: he's just passionate about his game, and when it's not what he wants it to be let the river flow please. Benny: he's just sweet, sensitive Benny. Personality like mom, which can resemble a weeping willow when you feel like you can't do your best. But they did do their very best, every one of em'. The end of season tournament, last game, was a riot. I was on the edge of my seat and up cheering on my boys. Stink will play and give it his all, and he did alright, right to a bloody nose. At the end of the game the ref said to Stink as we are walking, "Boy, you got some moves!" Any drop of game guilt was washed clean in that moment of time and replaced with a confident grin as he smiles at mama. Can't wait for Winter season! Benny will continue on in flag... Stink is ready for tackle, oh so ready! :)

School Day Feast

A job that I took on this year is being "room parent" for S. Stink's classroom. It can be a big job sometimes, but it's most definitely one I love doing. I enjoy visiting the classroom and hearing what comes out of those sweet kids' mouths, but mostly learning about what my son is learning about. Visiting his world sometimes. That's important to me. So the teacher and I put together a "Thanksgiving Tradition Feast". We made pilgrim hats for girls and boys with the kids. Then we had warm apple cider with cinnamon sticks, pumpkin pie, candy corn, cranberry sauce all while the teacher read us a story of Thanksgiving. A joy!

Thankful on Thanksgiving

You bet I'm thankful... for many things. I'm a little late posting, but excuse me I was batteling some streptococcus festering in my throat on Turkey Day. Doing well now, and it was a great holiday. I woke up with my boys and snuggled them tight in my nest, the best. In this house we love breakfast more than any other meal. So we had our Thanksgiving breakfast. I made an egg-sausage-hash brown-cheese casserole with bacon and mini buttermilk pancakes on the side. Yes, it was way too much food, but yes, it was way too much good. I'm still figuring out how to cook for the three of us, but I don't mind... just more left-overs. So while the breakfast smells filled our cozy house we put up our Christmas tree. The boys decorated it- that came with clustered ornament patches on the tree and 13 broken ornaments in the mix. All made with love. So here is my column of "thankfuls" this year:

-my faith
-my handsome, healthy boys
-my health
-my family
-my friends
-my neighbors
-my job
-my home
-the tears
-the laughs
-the lessons
-my dignity
-the living opportunity this year to teach self respect and how to treat a woman and mother to my children
-gaining my self worth
-my values
-my character
-my sillies
-my kind heart
-my serving hands
-me
-the prayers
-the support
-you

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Dear Steve,

Today I thought we would be celebrating things a little differently. I have so much to say to you, there is so much I feel… so much I have learned… and still learning. I am getting emotionally connected again with myself, something I have neglected. Is this a hard day for me? Absolutely… hell, it’s a hard night. I remember getting ready for the rest of my life with you at this moment 5 years ago. I see things so much clearer without you. You were fogging my vision, my life, because you don’t realize what muck you’re in until you’re out… or in your case what you have until it’s gone. I want to tell you what I’ve learned these past couple of months without you. I’m a codependent, a fixer since childhood, the nurse in me. I tried to control certain things in our marriage that a woman should never have to worry about. It was unhealthy, I became unhealthy… your unhealthy. Not to say we didn't have a good marriage, we did, along with your problems. Somewhere inside me there is a touch of respect for you if I look hard enough. That respect comes from what you told me on D-Day… that you didn’t have it in you to change that unhealthy part of you. What do you say to someone that is telling you they are going to hurt you again? “Goodbye”, as hard and bittersweet as it was, for the both of us. It was a seldom flash of honesty from you. Thank You. I believe I was the glue in this home, and fought tooth and nail until the very end to have that happy family I have always envisioned, losing myself, and even then willing to stand by your side. That was until realizing the pattern you were unwilling to break. I was totally consumed by your behaviors and addictions, I let it affect me… that wasn’t your fault. I took that dare to have hope, only to have that hope crushed and my dreams smashed with you. God knows we shared so much, we shared great things and the two best things that could ever happen to us... thank you. You and I will never forget. You threw those things away so quick, so stupid. I will get those things I need someday, because I deserve it. I invested so much in you that I lost part of me. I grew resentful over time as we both know, thankfully it sparked me to detach. I do know that when I began to put my individual self all back together, Steve fell apart. It was hard to watch, because you’re right when you said you don’t know who you are. You thought you were detaching you were so confused. I wished you could have helped yourself before it came to this. Sometimes I look at you and what you have done and it makes me sincerely sad. You have turned in so many different directions for fulfillment; you’re like a lost soul. You had your multiple chances, in fact the most opportune time in our lives for you to work on yourself was here, and you did the opposite. I’m sorry these issues are scary for you to face. I wished I could have helped you, but Lord knows I tried and the only person who can help you… is you. I hope that someday you choose to help yourself; it will be a lot of work though. You know that because you think in a way the choice you made is going to be easier and more fun… sure it will, for a bit. You lost a gem, and your diamond family, something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. I won’t beat this into you, no reason because you know it well. I love you, I always will… as the father of my children. That’s all you are to me now. I am okay without you… You stressed me out, immensely. I feel genuine peace in my life even through some of this hurt... but I’m free from you. So here is to friends- I will be a shoulder and ear for you whenever you need it. You know I will. I am grateful to be at a place where I can feel some compassion for you now.

Those butterflies will fly for me one day, just not with you… Happy 5th Wedding Anniversary.

Love Always,
Jennifer

Halloween 2009

It was a wonderful Halloween this year!! I was able to spend some time with really great friends at an adult costume party this year the day before Halloween.
Good news. My grandparents are here! They came over during the day on Halloween to catch up some and have lunch. My grandpa, aka "great grandpa" decided to warm up the trick or treat vocals. So he called the boys down and had them do a trick or treat rehearsal and they each got $20... they were stoked. So this AM Benny comes running to me, "Mom, Mom!!! Brother traded me his eight dollars for my one dollar and now I have eight and he has two!!" He says this with the biggest, rich smile not knowing that he has now eight dollars and brother has forty. Sneaky. So we learned about conniving and the true value of these dollars.

The boys decided to be vampires. They got to dress up a couple times this year in their vampire costumes- once at a kids Halloween Party, second at Disneyland for Mickey's Trick or Treat Party, and third the grand Halloween night. I think they were costumed out by Halloween to be honest, I mean come on, they are boys after all. They were more concerned about candy and playing with their friends. They didn't even let me paint their faces or spray the black in their hair. I was bummed, but that's what they wanted. They still had remnants of the eye black on from their football game earlier and Benny had a red power-ade stained mouth. At least they wore the vampire teeth... funny story. These teeth make me laugh, hard. They are flexible adult vampire teeth. In Stink's narrow mouth the fangs are really spread out so when he talks to me you can't see them but you can see the oversized teeth and gums so he looks like he's wearing loose dentures. Thanks for the laughs sweet boy. Ok, so, with that they rushed their costumes on and flew out the door with flip flops. That's where I screeched a halt and made them wear tennies, I had explained that vampires don't wear sandals. So off we went with neighbors and friends all around trick or treating in the neighborhood. Then home, where we snuggled and watched a scary movie together and fell asleep... it was great.