Broken Heart

This must be the year for it. I must write though through all of this pain, I feel better than I ever have been about myself, and I can't explain how much I've grown... and learned. The bitter sweetness to free myself of that sick, 8 year dance I was so careful at maintaining. I took some time for myself, for just me... then for just my boys and I. It takes time, serious time. Realizing where I went wrong, and vowing to myself never to return to that place with another man... again. So many of you want to see me incredibly happy and tell me all the time how deserving I am of that... Thank You. Others can't read this blog anymore... too painful.

I have recognized my pattern in choosing men, and I have had quite the experience in dating them after my divorce. The alcoholic, the cheater, the married man, the work-a-holic, the liar. Remember that Nurse in me? That Nurse in me which makes me feel so good to fix things, to always make them right. Well, the only place that's good for is at my job... and that's where that is staying and going no further. It used to feel good to sacrifice all of me to try to make someone happy, even if that meant I didn't get what I needed out of life and relations. That was the old comfortable place of mine. I'm learning a new love for myself. I am still the giving, caring person I was who will do most anything for anyone I love and don't love... I will never change that. But- I've learned to get what I need in a real relationship and what I give in a relationship mirrored back at me. Anything less is goodbye.

Which comes to a special man that I want to write about... meet Aaron. I will never forget the moment I layed my eyes on that handsome man. We talked... for hours when we first met. The kind of conversation you crave and can't get enough of, something I never had with someone and always wanted. We dated for months... I can't tell you how happy this man made me in those months. I felt things for him I never felt with the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It's no wonder... this time someone gave to me in a relationship. He gives to her what I give to him. Telling me how beautiful I am inside and out, the time he wanted with me and spent, cooking with me, reading with me, dancing in my kitchen to DMB with me, the lunches he packed before work for me, the CD's he made, the cards and flowers... the so much intimacy. I felt so close, closer to him than anyone yet. It was a good feeling. He will forever have a solid chunk of my heart for that. I needed that. I got to a place where I knew exactly what I wanted, and deserved. I found that in him. He valued me. Through all this he wanted to make a commitment to me and then meet my boys... oh how they loved him. He was so good for us.

I'm sad to say we aren't together anymore. But it's not the end of my happiness. Just a great start... and what a terrific first boyfriend. He is truly an amazing person to me. So here he is... the memories of us. He deserves a spot on my blog for those forever footprints he left in my heart and soul. Thank you for everything you know you did for me and my boys... and all you didn't know you did. Thank you for showing me I can love again, I can trust again. I love you for the you, you were to me...