Dad, I Love You

Just like today's intermittent rain and beautiful aromas filling up my soul, I always feel your presence around me when you visit. I knew at a point some of life's pleasures that you indulged in would require medicinal attention. I didn't think it would be this soon. She called me right away. When I got the call from your beloved I could hear the terror in her voice telling me it's your dad, something really bad has happened. I dropped everything that I was doing and my un-makeuped face and children who were ready for bed were loaded in the car and on our way, as she explained the events about your heart. You were on your way to the cath-lab... I thought maybe you could make it. I called Grandma and Grandpa and told them to come. I will never forget when I realized you weren't coming back.

A familiar cardiologist said your procedure went well, you had a major blockage in a left coronary artery of yours. When he said you didn't wake up after the procedure and questioned how long you were unconscious I knew it. It was too long Dad. The tears just rolled down my cheeks... I wanted to see you, I couldn't wait to see you. I see patients in hospital beds all of the time, but I didn't know how difficult it would be to see you the way that you were. I saw your intraosseous line and all of the vasopressors you were on just to keep you going. As a nurse I couldn't help but imagine the struggles through the events to get you here, and as a daughter it saddened my heart that you went through it. I rubbed your face and kissed your cheek as your body was cold and covered in a cooling blanket. I was so afraid to look at your eyes. I knew that would make or break any flash of hope I had of you pulling through this. When I saw them as I lifted your lids up Dad you weren't there anymore. The nurses knew it, my family didn't and I couldn't tell them that yet, only when we were all ready. I sobbed the whole way home, the kind where you have to take deep breaths to catch your air. I held your grand boys so tightly that night. 

You went the way that you always wanted to, thank you for leaving your body for the closure for family the way that you did. Your hands and feet looked the same to me in that bed you were in, like I've always remembered them. I fell asleep with you, holding your familiar hand as I was so tired one day. Read scriptures to you and sang wonderful songs around you until your last heart beat. Such beautiful ending moments. So many people love you... your service was everything you would have wanted it to be. You were such an alpha male with meticulous attention payed to everything you did. Loved movies. Loved new adventures. Stubborn. Didn't like taking pictures. Very blunt and always had a filthy mouth. I just read some letters from you with your perfect handwriting and realized you and Grandma liked to write. She even does the dot dot dots that I do... You were a giver, even gave your kidneys for other's life at the end of your own. By the way, Grandma and Grandpa are even making a scholarship in your honor. 

A picture of you and two beautiful bouquets of flowers from my surgeon and co-workers were the first things in my new house. The person that had this gorgeous home before had to give it up because of a heart attack. You would shine at the sight of this place. Our new home is drizzled in red accents, a favorite color both you and I share. I'm going to sew coordinating accent curtains this summer with a little something in your remembrance. I can tell when you are here... like when I was in the pool and thinking about you. I told you that I miss you,  that I love you so much and a big gust of wind out of nowhere came and winded my face like a kiss. You were always so proud of me and told everyone about me... painted my nails so pretty and did my hair as a child. I have always felt so prized by you. You still make me feel this way and I am blessed to know your spiritual presence if I can't have you physically here. I need you here this way in my life now and you know this. I understand it was your time.

Even though they are hard, I love your visits. I have good days and bad days but I think about you every day. Dad... I love you.

Single Mama Marathon

Well... I am officially done with BSN classes. It may not seem like much to some, but to me it was a goal that I was determined to finish no matter the circumstance. The opportunity couldn't have come at a more busy time of my life. However, when you put your mind to something you should just do it. Life's plate was quite full... too full for a BSN biscuit. I mapped my weeks, days, hours and minutes just to finish papers and homework. I would scope out child entertainment with wifi access in desperation modes.  Gave up precious hours of sleep. Cancelled appointments, completed DQs while I ate lunch at work and denied social events or fitness classes to progress through pages of research papers. I knew it was a temporary "have to" and sometimes you just have to sacrifice. 

You can only run at this pace temporarily... this was my single mother marathon. Hands down, busiest time of my life. I had to be mentally and physically focused to reach it to the end. Pacing myself carefully in this delicate balance of single mothering. Taking small intercessions and leaves of absences for necessary family demands. The world and responsibilities didn't stop around me, so grand prioritization took place to get here. My house was a bit messier, I didn't cook as much, wasn't as toned and wasn't able to spend all the time I wanted to with people. But I am here and advanced just a bit more in a profession that I dearly love... which is important to me and the patients that I serve. Now it is time to have blank page days where there is nothing on my schedule (like today). Cook creations in my beautiful new kitchen. Train for more triathlons. Date. Enjoy the small things in life that truly matter the most, reflecting upon them and writing about them in a dear place that I have missed. Until another professional thirst gets quenched, I am so happy to be back...

Just Wait

School is about done. ;) I have almost reached a mother of a single mother goal of mine... I have words just sizzling in my soul to be written... I cannot wait!! To be continued... I'm channeling my words and gifts on the keyboard towards professional development... I... am... almost... there. Loves!! xoxo... xoxo

~Nurse Nenn

The Christmas Lists... 2014

 The Sergeant's:

Benny's:

Wayne Peppermint is here... our Christmas Elf. We found him in an empty suitcase when we arrived home from our trip!! The boys were ecstatic.

This Mama is Thankful… More than Ever

Can I just get a blog post?! Why, yes! Idle hands are the devil’s workshop and there is no such mode for these mittens of mine. They have been busy typing away at scholarly papers in APA format for school. However, this place where love, family, reflection and real life stories is my absolute favorite to be at with this keyboard. I am grateful to squeeze in an addition to the blog. I couldn’t leave out the column of thanks this year. I have so much to be thankful for… I was reminded last week.

I received the phone call that every mother dreads. It was an unfamiliar call from someone who doesn’t dial to me often and my mind was already puzzled as I slid my phone to answer. The Sergeant was in a roll over car accident.  I could feel the blood leave my head and I felt like I was going to vomit. I remember some sort of verbiage that he is okay as I am eyeballing where my keys and purse are and ran out of the door. I drove safe, but really fast as the worst parental moment of my life still kept me nauseated. He was waiting for me when I got there to him. It was that look on his face he wore where I knew he needed his mother. I grabbed him and I told him to look at me in the eyes and I held him. I just sat and held him in my arms so tightly. He said he briefly lost consciousness in the car as it rolled and slid into another.

The Sergeant recollects this happened from 6:30-6:38pm. When he came to, he was hanging in the vehicle by his seat belt. He said he started to scream. Before emergency services arrived on the scene someone pulled him out from the back.  The Sergeant said a woman came to him, put her hands on him and prayed. He doesn’t know who she was but she left. He felt safe. I knew he was going to be okay. I bathed him and examined his bruising already forming, the scrapes and the seat belt markings on his neck. I rubbed his sore back and neck with arnica cream and held on to him as he debriefed and my heart sank. He slept right next to me the whole night… we all slept together. I didn’t sleep very well at all. I’m a mild neuro nurse so I wanted to make sure that he woke up easily a few times. Then I caught myself in a stare in one of the insomnia moments… I just looked at him and thanked God for his precious body that is still breathing next to me that I can kiss and snuggle whenever I want to, so I did and I didn’t let go for a while in the dark still. I can’t imagine the grasp of life without my children… it would be the worst torture anyone could endure. It was already enough this close. That Sunday I went to the front of the church and cried my eyeballs out some more with tears of gratitude of course, and it was prayers of thanks someone said for me, as I couldn’t. So here goes my heartfelt column of thanks this year, in no particular order. I am thankful for…

- God’s good grace

- His unfailing love

- Angels in our community

- My children

- Good health

- Family

- Friends

- My cozy home

- Cozy cabins

- Smores

- Fall boots

- Dancing

- Another first kiss

- Movies
- The smell of rain

- Mountains

- Islands

- An ocean breeze

- Roller coasters
- Warm sand on your toes

- My LuLu

- Teachers

- Coaches

- Surgeons

- Nurses

- Doctors

- Anesthesiologists

- Chiropractors

- Massage Therapists

- A good massage

- Skin brushes
- Bubble baths

- Red lipstick

- The color red

- Long hair

- Snuggles

- More Snuggles

- Allrecipes.com

- Grills

- Police officers

- Firemen

- Triathlons

- Lap swims

- Running

- Bike rides

- A warm jacket

- Good advice
- Good Neighbors
- You

- Leggings
- A fun date

- Hugs

- Kisses

- More kisses

- Little dogs

- Big dogs

- Dentists

- Principles

- Co-workers

- A good song
- To have loved
- To have been loved

- Safe vehicles

- Cooking breakfast in your jammies

- My Benny says… for having such a wonderful family

- My Sergeant says… waking up to my mommy

I am blessed to have the week of Thanksgiving off of work. I pumped out my papers for school so I could drizzle my home in reflection of my Christmas spirit and cook my little heart out. I made pies, casseroles and a juicy turkey to celebrate the life and love we have with those around us. It started with mimosas in the morning and friends as my boys played a hearty game of football with theirs. The Sergeant won first place in Seville’s 5K Turkey Trot.

God has plans for you, baby.

I swooped my children off for some time up north. I am lucky to be here right now, enjoying those quiet moments with my family that is important and everything to me. We are hiking and exploring by day and nestled near the fire making smores by night. Indulging in Turkey Day leftovers and creating new dishes out of it as I sip on a little vino. I am waking up to my boys each day while we watch our favorite Christmas movies cuddling in the covers. Benny and I even got a nap in together yesterday and we woke up just as our cherished Home Alone scenes came on. Life is so beautiful, especially with them in it.

If you love someone, let them know... and if you have them, hold on to them tightly.

Simmered Goodness

There was a unique occasion that I decided was enough justification to make my first fall pumpkin recipe early this year. It’s one of the boys’ favorites: Football Season Pumpkin Chili. I took Benny to the store early this day for the veggie shopping. His attire consisted of a Greenbay Packers pajama set and a bed head. He helped me shop, but I told him I was making a surprise that day while he was in school.

The delicious simmered smell filled my home with fall love and a warm welcome for my babes upon their school-day return. My car was being worked on during the day so my garage was car-less. I took this opportunity to fool the boys into thinking that I wasn’t home, and hid to see what they would say as they walked through the door after school. Benny yells, “Mom made her famous chili I think!” I heard the lid of the crock pot open. Then there went the talk that he spots my fresh baked cornbread cooling on the counter… but it didn’t stop there. He shuffled through the pantry and said, “She got the Fritos too!” That with shredded sharp cheddar and greek yogurt are the toppings that make it extra special.

It is exclusively premature because this Mom is attempting to learn football this year! I meant to learn with my boys, but they have surpassed me far already at their young ages. We all made our own fantasy league with some friends. This makes it a distinctive and memorable season of Football for us this year. The boys helped me pick out players as my fantasy selections dwindled on past the obvious known players that I selected. These boys of mine knew just what to do.

The first match was against the Sergeant… and he smoked me. The second against my dearest friend and it was close, but she beat me as well. The third I’m hoping shall be a charm!  

Just when I thought our Sundays couldn’t possibly be more precious… they are becoming more delicious and special to each of us, every week.

A Child's Arms

I brewed some peppermint tea and lit a candle as my babies were just put to bed... a sweet process. Today was built up, as it sometimes is. I worked for days in a row as my yearning for them collected in the silent moments. It does the same for them because I can feel it burst out of them at my sight.

My Sergeant has these eyes, these eyes for me that look deep into my soul configuring me and loving every ounce of his mom. My Benny just can't wait to be close to his mom... he even tries to catch up the missing days in his sleep. 

I love to smell them when I get them. 

I love to squeeze them when I get them.

I love to get a little crazy and mommy wild with them in my mommy pitched voice.

I love to hold them sweetly and listen to all their stories. 

I ask if they've eaten their fruits and veggies and brushed their teeth. 

I love them so much. They are so perfect to me.

The boys often confirm that I will be with them on our days together. Their arms fit so snuggly around me as we chat. Scarlet gets a few funny jabs in to interrupt us. She made a bridge over Benny and I tonight. Every night I cuddle with each of them separately in their beds. They pick a special prayer and I hold them as they talk to Jesus. Sometimes, I fall asleep with them after. 

My Sergeant melted me last week as he said with those connected eyes of his, "Mom, I always pray for you every night when I'm not with you that you stay safe." Those are the loving arms of my children... with or without them.