D Day

Decision Day... the hardest, most lowest day of my life... today. I asked for this day, for this discussion this morning because I needed it. Where were we going? I put myself out there a week ago, out there for rejection. I was willing to forgive you and forget it. That's the way I saw our marriage and always have: you do whatever it takes to make it work, because you made that commitment for a reason... because I love you for you... because it's so much more... because I would have done anything for you, and did. That's the way a marriage should be, it's sad how it isn't with a lot of people anymore. Now you left us as a statistic and ran away.

Your reasons are as weak as your character. You say you can't give it 100%, you say you never did, and you say I deserve better. You say your tired of hurting me, you don't want to do it anymore. You say I'm a good person and I deserve something better than the life you can give me. Thank you for being honest, but no thanks. We deserved you... a husband and father who could open his eyes and realize what he's got in front of him, take it, and value it. Couldn't do it. What a disappointment to say the very least.

Infidelity. Not the first time in our marriage, most likely not the second. I was naive, accustomed to the worthlessness you blindly put me through. What a sick box you kept me in. I know I've got a lot of work to do on myself, but I didn't do this. Your right, all of it is your fault. I just loved you, maybe too much if there is such a thing.

Ahh, rejection. Rejection is okay, because I can rest knowing that I did everything I could and more. You can't. You say you have to "find yourself" because you don't know who you are. I wish you would wake up. What a devastating mistake. What an empty road your choosing. But that's your choice. You will realize how big of a mistake this is one day, when the hangover won't go away. Probably too late then.

I will always, always love you, and truly wish you the best. Thank you for giving me some of the best memories of my life, really. Thank you for the happy times, and even the sad ones. Thank you for what you invested, even if it wasn't your all- because it made me happy. It seemed real to me. Thank you for coming over today and crying harder than we've ever before together, drenching each other's shoulders, allowing me to hold you, kiss you, and smell you one last time. I will never forget you. I do forgive you. These were our famous last words. Goodbye...

Defensive Player of Season, Round II

I'm so proud of you, you know you had it. Never lose that confidence.

Mom, the Tooth-Fairy is cheap...

So Stink lost his tooth "naturally" for the first time!! It was time for this one, without a doubt, no football or abscess pre-maturing this loss. I picked my boys up after school and as we are walking to the car Stink says, "Mom, you know if your tooth is really shiny and white the tooth-fairy gives you more money... one of my friends got $100 for one tooth!" Trying to not show my astonished look because I already had a dollar and some change set aside for his pillow pocket I say, "Well, are you sure it wasn't $1?" "No mom", he says quickly. So coming up with a last minute story of- Well, I guess it depends on how many children lose their teeth that day... the tooth fairy has a budget you know. As he put his tooth in his tooth-fairy pillow pocket before bed he reminded me of how shiny and white it was. Yes, we all know Stinks teeth are little rows of small pearls... dangit.

I had to teach him though, mean as it may sound... mom's teach lessons, not hand out large bills. He awoke the next morning and didn't say much. In my probably annoying excited voice I go, "What did the tooth fairy bring you?!!!" "She only gave me a one dollar mom." "I bet she gave you change too, because maybe she didn't have enough money but she knew how good you cared for your teeth." Yeah, lesson semi-learned and a buck richer little man. I love you.

Loss

Am I married to Judas or Peter?

Church this Sunday was, well... simply amazing. I was planning on going to church with my mother, but things don't always go as planned, and they do this for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Stink begs to go to our church on Sunday, and I did something hard. Put aside my feelings and listened to him. He works through our children. He does.

The topic was "Famous Lost Words: Loyalty"
Loyalty to your job, loyalty to your family, loyalty to God, loyalty to your spouse. What is loyalty? Loyalty is simply faithfulness... no matter what. No matter what comes, it doesn't really matter as much as your word, your sworn vow. Set-backs, frustrations, failures... are no excuse because it was that deep. And it was. It was meant to be. What are your true colors, and where do you cross the line? Loyalty requires something bigger, someone greater than yourself... and even difficult times to settle it. Self centeredness: the core of destroyed loyalty.

Lives change in an instant... everyday. Mine did. We were as one and it's stolen. It's like someone died. It's a lonely feeling. You were it for me, and I know that I was it for you. It's irreplaceable. I miss you. What do I miss though? It may be lost, just as lost as you are right now, so lost. You took it all with you, wherever you are. That's something I cannot control, but He does. Is it there though? I know it is, and it will never go away. Were these our famous lost words, or famous last words?

Anger

How dare you... shame on you. Ripped apart our family with selfish behaviors. I hope your happy, but I know your empty, completely empty. Though I'm angry I feel sad for you, pure pity... and it's because I love you. I don't know you, your eyes are different when I saw them today. Superficial fulfillment's won't last, it never will... regrets will come. I didn't deserve this, my kids didn't deserve this. The silver lining- I've learned a lot from this relationship, I am stronger than ever... and we will make it. I gave you 110%, and what a slap in the face, you gave that intimate love we shared to another. Your right, your words from your very own mouth, "you don't deserve me."

Diamonds Are Made Under Pressure

My faith, my children and my dignity is what I have... and I am clenching on to them. You do your best, that's all you can do. Never will you be able to control someone, never can you make someone love you and sincerely want you. The truth always comes out in the end, always. Actions speak mountains larger than words. It hurts. It's uncomfortable. It's damned hard... but we will persevere no matter what, because you know what, we always do.

“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure”.

The Nest Will Go On

It was back to school Monday, Steve and I looked forward to this day since a couple weeks ago. It's a love/hate relationship towards the end of the summer between Benny and Stink... and I'm sure I will see one of these boys draw blood during a future episode of "summer duke it outs" here within the next couple of years.

Monday was an exciting day... Benny's first day of school! He has been watching brother and looking forward to this day of his own for a long time.

Sergeant Stink started first grade... getting big. He had two teeth pulled and since then I look at his face and he seems too grown up for me just yet.

I am so happy for my children and feel very accomplished as a parent seeing my boys so independent, having there own thing now and doing well so far. As happy as I am, it's been a rough week for me. I swallow hard when I think of my empty nest at age 26. I swallowed even harder Monday morning seeing my Benny sit at his desk so happy and ready to start his own journey. I said goodbye to him and I felt empty walking through that school hall back to my car without kids. Then I got home and there was silence... I could hear the fan and Pursie's paw steps on the tile. It was even emptier. I don't like this, at all I say to Steve... and he holds me and I cry some more. This is hard. They've been my little day buddies for the last 6 1/2 years.

Then I go to Kona Grill with my sweety and of course that feels a ton better. Time to focus on us, on me for those 7 hours. Then I can have my 2 sparks of life back to kiss and squeeze. I love them. The hardest of all adjustments, but I am... so, so happy for them. It was a good day.